


burger king foot lettuce

by toboyu



Category: The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, also i'm two days late i'm sry but hey we celebrate love all day erryday, also it's 3am so oopsies for any mistakes, also this is an actual thing burger king does and it's AMAZING, i couldn't resist the crackhead title i'm sorry, this is a cute fic with some tender parts i promise!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:06:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22752955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toboyu/pseuds/toboyu
Summary: It’s Valentine's Day and Theo is spending it with the History channel and Popchyk.
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 3
Kudos: 97





	burger king foot lettuce

_“Coming up on our Valentine’s Day Special… The Tale of Psyche and Eros…”_

It’s Valentine's Day and Theo is spending it with the History channel and Popchyk. 

_“There was once a king and queen, rulers of an unnamed city, who had three daughters of conspicuous beauty…”_

And he knows it’s ridiculous and pathetic that he’s spending as such. The house was empty that night. You could hardly tell it were Valentine’s Day besides the surge of romantic movies and TV specials that were playing. Theo was hoping that the History Channel would at least play something _educational_ so he wouldn’t seem that lame. Maybe something about St. Valentines, or the dark origins of the holiday [because, the origins of the holiday were indeed, quite sinister] but instead, the program had opted for a the famous Greek love tragedies, which was, bluntly, probably the gayest thing that could’ve been playing. 

_“Cupid is sent to shoot Psyche with an arrow so that she may fall in love with something hideous.”_

Theo didn’t realize how quiet the house was when Boris wasn’t around. It had always been loud howls of laughter and nonsensical babbling whenever he was around. Daily exchanges would range from sharp quips to boisterous shouting attempting to pronounce words from a tattered English-Russian dictionary they had found at the drug store, to long soft talking about what they’d been through, remnants of each other’s mothers, how their life had been crucially split into three— _the day my mother was alive, the day she died, the day i met you._

_“He instead scratches himself with his own dart, which makes any living thing fall in love with the first thing it sees. Consequently, he falls deeply in love with Psyche and disobeys his mother's order.”_

He wonders if he should split it into four: when his mother was alive, when she died, when he met Boris, and _when Boris left him for that fucking skank-_

He shakes his head. _Okay, okay, okay, fuck too far, too much._

For Theo, Valentines would be spent as a bachelor. After the bell rang, Boris left him early, cheerily telling him he was going to Kotku’s. Theo understood instantly, telling him to spare him the details, and ended up grumbling to himself while he went on the bus alone, earning a sad look of pity from the bus driver.

When he arrived home the house was already empty, a cold, messy scribbled note he recognized was from his Dad that said: _gonna be gone for the break w xandra, buy whatever you want._

So Theo was alone. Which, being an only child, was something he had always been accustomed to. So really, this shouldn’t have hit as hard as it did. And yet…

The door bursts open, startling Theo and Popchyk.

“Boris?”

Do you know how sometimes you see someone, and it feels easier to breathe? 

Chipper than normal, there was a spright in his step. “Potter! You’ll never believe what I found!”

“What are you doing here?” Theo sputters, baffled. It’s a pleasant surprise, but now it’s embarrassing. Not that Theo hid things from Boris, but for Boris to see him like this…

“Why are lights off?” Boris frowned, “Doesn’t matter! We’ll be leaving anyways. Put shirt on please, or maybe don’t! More convincing if you look more sad!”

“Boris, what’s going on with you?” 

Boris walks to the kitchen opening the drawers, getting himself a mug and an opened bottle of vodka with ease. He knew this place like the back of his palm. 

“America really is the country of laughs! I find this thing online, let me show you. Burger King is having this very exciting deal! You show them picture of ex, they give you free whopper!”

“You’re joking.”

Boris scrambles to get his phone out, showing Theo the promotional advertisement: **_Give us a picture of your ex and get a free whopper! Revenge has never been so sweet!_**

Theo laughs in amusement, “Is this for real?”

“I checked earlier today! They say it’s legit!” Boris beamed, eyes wide with excitement. He might be a little drunk.

“I don’t have an ex, though. I’ve never dated.”

“You don’t have picture of that girl you wrote letters to?” 

Theo shook his head, “Maybe you can get a picture of Kotku’s friends?”

“No use, they’re all in their 20s anyways. Wouldn’t look believable.” Boris said, furrowing his brows in contemplation. He takes a sip of his drink, his eyes perk up with excitement. “I know! We’ll say we’re each other’s exes!” 

Theo looks at Boris with a look that says, are-you-fucking-kidding-me?

_“Boris.”_

“You’ve not eaten all day, right? Plus, I’m yet to try these acclaimed whoppers we keep seeing on TV!” Boris said, whiny and desperate like a child. “Come on! For the burger!”

“The whoppers aren’t that great.” Theo snorted, as he went to put a sweatshirt on, Boris grinning ear-to-ear, knowing that meant Theo was in. 

“Yes, but it will taste better since it’s free!”

It had been quite unfamiliar. Theo seldom went to fast food places, as his mother often forbade it, always choosing to support local businesses over massive food chains. Burger King for Theo was always associated with long trips. A quiet, _“Oh, I suppose this will do.”_ from his mother while they waited in airports or a pit stop during a long road trip. But it was comfort food, and being in the washed up fast food joint brought him and odd sense of calm.

The only people there were seniors, young teens who were making out, and tired parents who wanted to get dinner for their kid and get the hell out of there. Old tunes played, Bobby Cadwell’s, _What You Won’t Do For Love_ playing lightly through the speakers. 

There were wooden tiles that looked too suspiciously fancy for a Burger King, and he made a notice to not step on the crack because he had the maturity of a five year old and also his mother was already dead so he didn’t have to worry about breaking her back. 

Jesus, what were they doing? 

It was a stupid idea of course, all of their ideas were. Boris was able to whisk him and convince Theo to do _anything,_ which was something Theo noticed was starting to be a problem. But now that they were here, the menu glowing at him, the teens making out in the back, everything was starting to set in and Theo was beginning to realize how weird this all was.

Theo was starting to get dizzy.

“Ready, Potter?”

“Huh?”

Boris happily walked to the counter, dragging Theo by the hand. It was winding down, and it was starting to look a bit slow. 

“Good evening! I’m here for your promotional deal!” The Burger King worker lifts her eyebrows. “Sure, I’ll just need a picture of your exes.”

“I did you one better!” Boris beamed, “I brought him here myself!” He draped his arm around Theo’s shoulder, making himself comfortable. It suddenly occurred to Theo exactly what was happening. Boris was going to be the clingy one. Oblivious, not getting the cues.

While Theo… had to be the bitchy one, agitated, wanting to leave. 

Theo shrugs off Boris’s arm irritably. Coldly and tiredly, he says, “I just want to get a whopper and get the fuck out of here.” 

“You’re exes?” The Burger King worker said in disbelief. She looked about their age, Theo wouldn’t have been surprised if she went to their high school or something as a senior.

“Can’t stand even being this close to him.” Theo grumbled, thinking back to all those Broadway plays he and his mother had snuck into when they were younger. He imagined his Mother dragging him to the dentist or waking him up too early to go to places: the childish, stand-offish annoyance. Anything to get in the mood.

“He’s so mean, isn’t he? It’s why we broke up.” Boris pouted. Theo had to look away, because he might’ve burst into laughter if he had.

“I call bullshit.” The Burger King worker laughed. She had those long, scary acrylic nails Theo didn’t like. Boris showed a liking to them though, saying they reminded him like a cat. “I think you guys are two high school dumbasses who just want a free meal, and said _no homo_ for some dinner, am I right?”

Boris looked at Theo confusedly. “What’s a _no homo?”_

Theo shook his head, “I think it’s pretty clear that we’re exes. I feel like all my energy’s been drained just being around him for this long. He’s so annoying.” Theo grimaced.

The Burger King eyed the two of them, Boris more specifically. Theo knew they looked odd. Everything about them was odd. A tall pale, shrewd boy with a thick slavic accent that wore all black in Las Vegas coupled with a discount Harry Potter was a bit strange for the suburbs of Nevada. He knows, they look like they've come straight out of a theater production or a comic book. 

“Prove it.” She said. Theo eyed her name tag: _Tina._ Why was Tina making things so fucking difficult?

“How are we supposed to prove it?” Theo asked. Oh god, how far were they going to go for this Whopper? 

Tina tilted her head in thought, grinning. “Kiss.” 

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I learned it in my film class. There’s a certain way former lovers kiss. It’s familiar. Territory you’ve been through, territory that’s belonged to you. There’s always a tinge of resentment, a hint of shyness. Sometimes there’s hatred, sometimes it’s apologetic, but there’s always love, even if it’s the teensiest bit.” 

Boris looked at Theo. He doesn’t dare blow their cover, but he looks at him with this look that says:

_We don’t have to._

And Theo is looking up at him. He’s always wanted to kiss Boris. He’s sure they have during drunken nights, but he’s always wanted to kiss him sober and remember it. Granted, he never thought of kissing him in front of a Burger King cashier on Valentines Day, old cheesy 80s love songs playing in the back, but well… 

**_Eh, it’s a free whopper._ **

And in a moment, Theo is on his toes, pressing his lips into Boris’s. It’s a bit juvenile, clumsy. Theo had always been around Boris, even shared his bed with him, but never had he ever been this close to his face, as though they’d become one. Despite the lack of facial care, Boris’s face was soft and warm, which Theo hadn’t anticipated. Boris had clasped his hands on Theo’s face for a better grip, fingers calloused and lightly bruised. Had Boris’s hands always been that warm? He didn’t seem like the type. Maybe he didn’t know Boris as well as he thought. 

Boris pulled out of the kiss first, letting go of Theo’s face. He had held him like the entire world, because to him, he was. 

Tina raises her eyebrows, stunned. She quickly pressed buttons on the register, writing something down. “Two whoppers on the house. Your order will be with you shortly.” 

Boris grinned excitedly to Theo. No words said, but his eyes were lit up, easy to read: _We did it!_

“I’m gonna go to car and start heater. Don’t really want to stay around here. We eat there instead?”

Theo nodded, “Sounds good.” Boris grinned, walking out.

Theo really wishes Boris could’ve kissed him on the cheek or something like those old, married couples do when they’re going off to places and they want to remind their significant other: _Hey, I love you, Don't forget!_ Domestic and sweet. 

The ringer goes off. It’s Tina again. “Two free Whoppers for Romeo and Juliet!”

Theo snorts, walking up to the counter. “Thanks, I guess.”

Tina holds onto the bag, scribbling something on the bag. “For the record, I know you guys aren’t exes.”

“What do you mean?” Theo said, nonchalantly, eying the bag of food she was keeping from him.

"Don't act all innocent." The Burger King worker laughed, “Surprisingly it wasn’t you. You were a great actor. It was the other one that was so blatantly obvious. Every time you spoke, he kept looking at you with these lit up eyes, like you were the entire world, and then he would look at me as though he were saying, _Can you believe he’s mine?”_

“Really?” 

“Definitely.” Tina said.

“How should I…?” Theo asked, which sounded stupid, even to him. “How do I get with him?”

“You’ve already kissed him.” The Burger King worker chuckled, “Just… maybe bring it up, or ask him how he felt about it. He obviously loves you, to be honest. But maybe today can be the day it becomes official for you guys, you know?” 

“Y-yeah… alright.” Theo says, flabbergasted. "Thanks."

She hands him the to-go bag, two hearts drawn cutely by the Burger King logo. “Happy Valentines Day,” She grins, and Theo clutches onto the bag, stomach heavy with feelings. Had Boris always looked at him like that? Theo wasn’t stupid. He knew there was love in what they had but, was it like that?

He walked back to the car, stomach heavy, wondering what he should do. 

The door was already unlocked. When he opens it, there’s an overwhelming surge of warmth that instantly overtakes him, and the Nevada desert chill is instantly closed out. The smell of Whoppers and fries fill the car, and the two boys got comfortable instantly. Shoes off, heater low, music playing some random song with soft horns.

“Convincing, acting, eh?” Boris grinned, nudging Theo playfully in the shoulder, while he unwrapped the Whopper. 

“Do you love me?” Theo blurts, which he instantly regretted.

That was _not_ how it’s supposed to go. That was not part of the script. 

The script was supposed to go: _“Convincing actors, eh?”_

And then Theo was supposed to roll his eyes and laugh saying, _“Yeah, we should get an Oscar or something.”_

And then Boris would scrunch his nose and go, _“The fuck is an Oscar?”_ And Theo would laugh and explain what it was, while Boris would laugh jabbing at the stupid Awards show.

But that? _Do you love me?_ What the fuck was that? Where had it even come from? Theo had opened Pandora’s box and he fucking hated himself for it. And even if they were to dabble into a conversation about Love [which was fine, Theo supposed, since well, it was Valentine's Day after all] Why had he asked it as a question? It put him in the position in which he was under a spotlight and now Boris was one to judge him. Fuck. He’s so stupid. What the fuck? 

“Of course.”

Well, duh. 

“Well, I know.” Theo said, albeit too cockily. “I mean… never mind. Let’s just eat.”

“You mean what?” Boris said. “Wait, I want to hear what you said!”

“Forget it.”

“You think I don’t love you?”

“So you _did_ hear what I said.”

“Yes, but you didn’t finish thought!” 

Theo sighs. Boris furrows his brows. He’s caught in the debacle of ruining this perfectly fine moment, one where two friends are having a good time together, messing with the system, wreaking havoc, being dumb teenagers, all for… what? To talk about something they both already knew? That they loved each other and would go to the moon and back for each other? They knew it, so then why was there an urge to say it, and why had it been so strong? 

“I mean…” Theo said nervously, picking at the lettuce. “There’s different types of love, of course. Eight, to be exact.” 

“Eight? I’ve never heard of this, Potter.” Boris said. 

“The Greeks came up with it. There’s Eros, Philos, Storge, Ludus, Mania, Pragma, Philautia, Agape.”

“Oh! I know Eros. He’s the one that fucked Psyche, right?”

Theo snorts. “Well _yes,_ Boris, but that’s not what he’s known for. He’s known for being the God of Love and Sex.”

“Ah.” Boris said, nodding as he dipped a fry in ketchup, flipping it perfectly into his mouth. “Which one do you think we have?”

“Huh?”

“Like. Out of eight. You say there’s love with this, right? Which ones you think we have?”

Oh, now _he_ was the one asking questions? What was this, Jeopardy? Theo bites his lips in thought. He’s happy Boris knows you can have multiple types of love in one relationship, and that it clicks quickly with him. 

“It’s a mix, I think. Philos definitely. That’s friendship. The Greeks actually considered this love to be greater than the first love, Eros, or the one we value more today, because that love meant you were able to abstain from sex, which was animalistic.” 

“Oh? Animalistic? Hot. Cougar.” He rolls his R’s which makes Theo chuckle.

Theo rolls his eyes, “I’d also say, Ludus. Playful love. Because… look at the fucking situation in. Only dumb kids would do this.”

“It’s not like there’s any adults to take care of us.” Boris said quietly, biting into his Whopper.

“Yes, well, that doesn't matter since we have each other.” Theo reasons, he takes a sip of his coke. “Hm…” He crooks his head to the side of the window trying to think. “I think that’s it.”

“Pathetic! Only two. Why not all eight?”

“Well, some of them can’t be transcribed! Like we’re definitely not Agape… which is love for everything and everyone. Philautia, could never. Mania is straight-up dangerous, and well, we’re too young for Pragma-” Theo paused, “What? Do I have something on my face? Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

And Boris, lovable and unpredictable, put a pause on Theo’s talking, interjecting him with a soft press on the lips. It was an overwhelming surge of the senses for Theo. The strawberry milkshake lobbed with a couple of fries that Boris had insisted was a fantastic combination, made him taste like a sweetened strawberry funnel cake mixed with a hint of vodka, that seemed all too juvenile and sweet to Theo. He lightly sunk his teeth on the bottom of Theo’s lips, which Theo enjoyed far more than he would’ve liked to admit. 

_Oye, cariño, solo pienso en ti…_ Was that Spanish in the background? They must’ve stumbled upon the Mexican radio stations once again. Soft, mariachi music playing idly in the background. Boris’s cheeks were flushed bright rose, matching lovingly with the messy warm sky above them, for the sun sank quite differently in Nevada. His hair was soft, smelling lightly of cheap coconut shampoo they had swiped from the Walgreens down the street, Theo grasped onto the hair, fingers entangling themselves in the strands… 

And suddenly the food did not quite matter anymore. 

“You know, Boris, you are so dramatic.” Theo laughed, pulling away from Boris’s kiss. “If you wanted to take me out for Valentines Day, you should’ve just said so.”

“Dramatic? Me? _Co za bzdury!”_ Boris said, clasping a hand over his heart theatrically, “This was more fun though, no?”

Theo rolled his eyes, sinking into his seat comfortably. The cushions were soft, and the soft rumbling of the heater was making him a little sleepy. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Ludus!” Boris grinned. 

“Yes, that’s what this is, good job.”

“Eros?” Boris wiggled his eyebrows, which made Theo burst into laughter. He hasn’t felt this light and happy in a long time. 

“Shut up! I don’t have condoms.” Theo snickered.

“Oh! So you’re up for it, Potter? DTF? Down to fuck? I read in Xandra’s issue of Cosmopolitan. All cool kids are saying it!” Boris began to babble excitedly, which only made Theo laugh even harder.

“Just shut up and kiss me already, Pavlikovsky…” Theo grinned, pulling Boris by the shirt, pressing into a kiss, fuller and deeper than the last time.

Though neither of them said it, Theo had a feeling that somehow, not everything was quite as terrible as it seemed.

**Author's Note:**

> damn if u made it this far ily
> 
> happy late valentines day!! to all those who are reading this, i love you! love is real!! don't you ever forget it!!
> 
> https://thestir.cafemom.com/food_party/223746/burger-king-trade-photo-ex-whopper-valentines-day


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